So you have decided to be a DJ. Being a DJ is awesome, but boy can it change you! You suddenly find yourself behaving in certain ways, almost involuntarily, and doing things that many "normal" people think are crazy. I'm not talking about going deaf, developing a drug habit and hanging out with people half your age (these are all things you can definitely control, if you want/need to), but more about the subtle behavioural changes that kind of sneak up on you, until they're totally ingrained in who you are! Like...
- You can never go to a nightclub and have fun - Oh, no. Even if you can get over the secret jealousy of wanting to be DJing, you're hyper-critical of everything, from the DJs to the sound system to the way the door is being run... the lot. The more you DJ out, the more this one creeps up on you, until going out simply becomes research/checking out the competition. You, in short, become a not very fun person to go out with
- You spot instantly when a CD loops in a bar, cafe etc... You feel you are generally the only person who notices background music anyway, and so naturally, you're the only one who gets upset when you hear a CD play on loop. It's especially annoying in nice restaurants, where you can't help yourself thinking: "Why did they pay so much attention to everything apart from the music?" Saying this out loud, though, usually gets you a kick under the table from your other half for being so miserable
- You can spot instantly when a speaker is distorting, even at 50 yards! - Picture this: You're on a lovely beach with friends or partner, sun shining, cold drink, and in the distance, a little beach shack plays top 40 radio... through a distorted old speaker. Can you relax? No chance. That little plastic speaker becomes the bane of your life until you are finally out of earshot. Even the crap they're playing becomes secondary to the quality!
- You can no longer count past four - Crazy but true, you find yourself counting any rhythm anywhere or just an imaginary rhythm in your head, and naturally, you go "one, two, three, four" round and round. (At least you're not a microphone roadie with a rock band, they get stuck at "one-two! one-TWO!")
- You can't hear a song that you know played in full, without hearing "your" transitions - "Why isn't song X coming in?" you think, until you remember that this isn't actually your mix but just one of "your" songs being played somewhere else. Related: Not liking the speed a song is being played at, because you play it at a different speed...
- You hear mistakes when everyone else thinks the DJ is awesome - Smart DJs learn not to point out train wrecks and other DJing errors to their friends, who - we learn - are not afflicted like us and generally happy to dance through even appalling errors. Related: Spotting mixes that aren't in key
- You get annoyed when TV commercials brutally edit songs - ...and what really annoys you is that they are not respecting the underlying song structure (see point 4 - see, you can't help it! You're subconsciously counting those beats and bars in fours...)
- When someone asks you "what's your favourite music?" you reply "for what purpose?" - Being unable to separate what you like from what you think any given dancefloor might like is bad, but it's hard to stop this developing from the necessary skill of simply separating the two things in your head
- Instantly spotting when your windscreen wipers, indicator lights or even a loud clock are in time with the music you're playing - This one really does feel close to madness sometimes (for me anyway), spotting a beatmatch between car hardware andcar stereo... Related: Beatmatching your strides to the songs on your headphones when our running
- You can't help yourself frantically trying to remember snippets of song lyrics in order to Google them later - ...normally when Shazam fails to recognise a new song you know you've got to have...
- You are utterly unable to keep yourself away from DJ booths - Mainly this is to see the equipment the DJ is using, hopefully it isn't to make requests, although I am personally fond of just shaking the DJ's hand on the way out if I've enjoyed his or her music... after all, we all know how much that means, don't we?
- Having the sudden urge to go and adjust the sound when another DJ is playing - Right, I've actually done this (in fact, it was the pitch). Some dude was playing 80s megamixes at +8 and he slipped off to the toilet, so I marched up and set it all to the right speed... only to slink away like a coward when I saw him returning! True story :)
- You turn anything with a volume fader into DJ equipment - ...and so get irrationally annoyed at any kind of audio gear that has electronic up/down volume controls instead of a knob you can use to cut the music in and out quickly with!
- You are the only person who spots the odd song from the 90s at a "so-called" 80s night - I mean, we can all hopefully understand why no normal, sane person would care about this... but it's wrong, isn't it?